Priya

(Note: Name changed to protect identity)

My marriage was an arranged marriage - we met through a matrimonial website. I lived with my husband and in-law. When I wrote an email describing my journey to the US, my wedding, and my new home he objected to my "sharing everything with my family". I became quieter on my family email group gradually as I realized that everything I said, he would criticize. Everything I did was wrong, and everything he did was right. When someone tells you day in and day out that you are slow, inefficient, incompetent, you make mistakes all the time, you don't work hard enough at home, you start believing it. It becomes a project of self-improvement. You want to make yourself "better" so he will "approve of you". He would refuse to talk to me for days or even a couple of weeks, without even telling me what I said or did wrong. My parents never got to visit me for more than 5 years after we married.

Body-shaming was another aspect of my marriage. I probably ate a lot more and gained weight because of my low self-esteem. And finally, sex - I can count on one hand the number of times we had sex in 6 years of marriage, the first time happening 5 years after our wedding. I finally got the courage to broach this with my in-laws after 6 years of marriage. Their response was to blame me saying I was the one who was not co-operating. Did he not like me? Was he not interested in me? Was he gay? Did he love someone else? Was he having an extra-marital affair? Did he have hormonal issues? He told me that there is nothing wrong with him, we can have sex when we decide to have kids, it would be too much of a burden while studying.

I did not know where my money was going, I did not have sex, nor did I have kids. What was the difference between me and a slave? And the all-important question – if I decide I was willing to live with all of this, was I ready to bring a kid into this marriage? That was what broke me. What would that teach my child? I did not know where the money I was earning was going (small though the amount was, it was more than enough for survival). I did not know where they had kept the jewelry given by my parents. If I walked out, it would be the work of a minute for them to cancel my credit cards and block my phone account. And I would be left with nothing

Abuse is very easy to spot when you are looking from the outside. But it is an insidious evil which blinds you when you are inside its circle. The right question to ask yourself is - how did he make me live like this for so long? What was wrong with his upbringing and his mental state that he thought he could get away with keeping a well-educated, smart woman with good support from family and friends like a slave for life?" And that's where the abusers win, you know - by making it our problem. It's not our problem. No one asks to get abused. It's theirs, and they are the ones who need to be shamed.