Safety plan

You deserve to be treated with love and respect.  If your partner has expressed willingness to address their abusive behaviors, here are some pointers from an article by Lundy Bancroft that will help you to assess their commitment to and progress towards meaningful change:

• Admitting fully to what they have done

• Stopping excuses and blaming

• Accepting responsibility for their actions and the consequences of those actions

• Recognizing that abuse a choice

• Identifying controlling patterns of behavior they use

• Identifying attitudes that drive their abuse

• Changing how they respond to their partner’s (or former partner’s) anger and grievances

• Changing how they act in heated conflicts

• Accepting that overcoming abusiveness is a long process – not declaring themselves ‘cured’

• Not demanding credit for improvements made

• Not treating improvements as credits to be spent on occasional acts of abuse (e.g., ‘I haven’t done anything like this in a long time, so it’s not that big a deal’)

• Making amends

• Developing respectful, kind, supportive behaviors

• Carrying their weight and sharing power

While people can and do change, it will only happen of they really want to.  Revising attitudes and actions that have been learned over many years can be difficult because they arise from feelings of privilege and entitlement.  

If your partner’s abusive behavior continues, there are legal measures available that are intended to enhance your safety.  While many survivors have found these legal interventions protective, you know your abuser best. You should trust your own judgment on whether the following measures will be effective in deterring further abuse:

If you have physical injuries or are afraid that you are in imminent danger, you should call 911. Calling 911 can be helpful even if you do not feel you are in immediate danger but want to leave your partner’s home and believe you may be prevented from doing so. If you have been assaulted, do not change your clothes or shower so that the evidence of abuse or rape remains.

You may file a police report at any police station or an officer can be dispatched to your home.

A PPO is a court order intended to prevent your abuser from assaulting, threatening, harassing, or stalking you. It can also apply to your children as well as extended family members who may be at risk. In addition, PPOs can prohibit your abuser from purchasing or possessing firearms.

What are your interests, passions, and skills? Even if you are not currently employed, there are ways in which you can develop new (or build upon existing) employable skills. These skills will enable you to enjoy greater financial independence and further distance yourself from your abuser. Relatedly, discreetly opening your own savings account can allow you to put aside funds necessary for leaving and forwarding your mail can provide a modicum of privacy from your abuser regarding the steps you have taken. Finally, you could inform your employer that personal information should not be disclosed to your partner; you might even ask that your workplace screen your partner’s calls.

Many survivors report being isolated by their abusers—sometimes for many years. Such isolation makes it difficult to extricate yourself from an abusive relationship. You can begin to rebuild your social support network by opening up to a coworker or other peer whom you feel you can trust, attending local domestic violence survivor support groups, or connecting with other survivors through online forums. These connections are important in reducing feelings of shame and self-blame, and they can give hope that a life without abuse is possible. (Please note: Some abusers check their partner’s internet search history, so if you access survivor forums or other DV-related resources, you should consider clearing your browser history or accessing these resources on a computer that your abuser will not use.)

Many survivors choose to contact their local police department, domestic violence shelters and hotlines, and members of their support network (e.g., friends, family members, neighbors – anyone who believes and supports them). To enhance your safety, (1) identify safe/private places from which to make a call; (2) change the pin/password on your phone (or use touch ID to unlock it); (3) consider turning off location services on your phone; (4) if necessary, obtain a ‘burner’ phone; (5) research and consider utilizing apps designed to rapidly and discreetly alert emergency contacts and/or the police in a crisis situation.

There are many important belongings that you should try to gather before leaving. Ideally, you could start to move certain items that your abuser is less likely to notice being absent well in advance. These could be kept at the home of a trusted contact, a private storage unit, a locked drawer at your workplace, etc. Your abuser could become highly suspicious if other items go missing, and, while you should regularly verify the whereabouts of these items, you may not want to pack them until shortly before your exit. Provided is a list of items that many survivors describe as important to take:

Birth certificate Driver’s license Passport Green card Work permit Social Security card Health insurance card Automobile title Car or home insurance papers School records Property deed and mortgage payments record Copies of any PPOs in effect against your partner Keys to the car Keys to the house Medications Money Checkbook(s) Credit card(s) Bank account information Family keepsakes Clothing Jewelry Personal effects Your children’s clothing Favorite blanket(s) and/or stuffed animals/toys Copies of unpaid bills

Developing an effective exit plan requires considerable forethought. Is it probable that you will need to make an emergency exit to escape your abuser? If so, think about the various ways to do so considering potential physical barriers and challenges (i.e., placement of doors and windows). If an emergency departure is not likely, you will need to arrange for transportation. In case of life-threatening emergencies, it may be safest to flee to a public location and call the police. Otherwise, survivors should identify potential safe havens where they can stay at least temporarily (i.e., the home of a family member, friend, or perhaps even an acquaintance that your abuser does not know). If such an option does not exist (or does not seem safe), consider contacting a domestic violence shelter.

Involve your children in your safety planning. Explain to them in age-appropriate ways whom to contact in case of an emergency and how to reach you in the event of separation. Many survivors develop a code word/phrase to use with their children or support network to signal that they need help. Such words/phrases should sound like everyday language so as not to arouse suspicion in case the communication is somehow intercepted by your abuser (e.g., “I’d love to get brunch”). Another way to enhance your children’s safety is to limit those who have permission to pick them up from school or daycare.